


it's a little dangerous

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Romance, alternative universe, lol i can't with this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:43:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5972839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It's the last one that sort of surprises Taeyeon, then makes her laugh because Jessica tried to fill in all the blanks: 5. I can fly.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Five times Taeyeon is convinced that Jessica TOTALLY has a secret identity. And that one time Jessica tells her that she does. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's a little dangerous

**Author's Note:**

> This monstrosity of a thing is for Kathleen who, by the way, has always humored me and my crazy ideas by giving me crazy ideas right back. Which is the best. But always listens to me try to rationalize and angst over each thing that drives me crazy.
> 
> Which this did. Seriously. 
> 
> I wrote this so many times before I settled on a 'Five Things' format and there are moments that totally didn't make the cut, but might make an appearance later on. Anyhow. I'm rambling. Totally inspired by that time SNSD did a commercial and Jessica saved the world. Because she would. You should watch the [CF](http://snsdkorean.com/2009/04/15/snsd-dungeon-and-fighter-cf/). It's a delight.

1\. first impressions

 

When they first all come together, as one entire group, Manager Oppa has them fill out a weird, little Q&A form where there are questions like "Name five facts about yourself!" and "Confession time: tell us something no one knows about you! ;)" which, by the way, is stupid and uncomfortable since they just named her leader and Hyoyeon's temper has _already_ caused conflict between Yuri and Tiffany in the practice room.

But Taeyeon gets Jessica's paper, folded neatly in the spot in front of her; she knows because she watched Jessica across the room, her long, neat fingers pressing creases into each page. Great, she thinks and shifts uncomfortably. For whatever reason, thinking of Jessica makes her belly flush, a strange heat curl into her throat, and oh god, she should have just switched with Sooyoung because they're roommates and that makes the most sense.

"I'm not going to make you read it out loud," Manager Oppa tells them. He huffs and rolls his eyes at each of them. "Just take it as an ice break. Get to know each other." Then he looks at her. "Lead by example," he says.

Taeyeon frowns and sighs. She peels the page open, greeted by Jessica's handwriting, the ink smeared at the end of the page because she's pressed her pen too hard.

"I sleep too much," she reads out loud, and there's laughter, Jessica shrugging her shoulders and stretching her legs out.

"It was either that or lie about my weight," she says back.

Everyone laughs. They move onto Yuri as Taeyeon's eyes wander down the list. Sleep is there. _I'll kill you if you hurt my sister_ isn't a surprised and is next to. It's the last one that sort of surprises Taeyeon, then makes her laugh because Jessica tried to fill in all the blanks.

_5\. I can fly._

Taeyeon is tasked with finding Jessica later that day, in time for their partner vocal session with their coach and then their Japanese lessons for when they travel.

"She's probably sleeping," Yuri says, amused. She points over to a practice room at the end of the hall. "You know she gets a little cranky at around four."

"Sure," she laughs.

She bounds off, weaving into the end of the hall, sighing when she sees that the lights are sort of dimmed and there's no sign of movement inside of the room. She's totally sleeping, she thinks, disappointed.

Her hand curls around the knob and she pushes inside the room careful, her mouth opening and then shifting into silence. 

Taeyeon doesn't actually know what she sees.

Jessica is awake. Very awake. In fact, she's so awake that she's standing front of the mirrors in the back. Her arms are outstretched and she wonders if she's practicing a breathing exercise for their lesson. 

Then it hits her slowly. Taeyeon can only process what she sees, the other girl's hair sort of swimming behind her as she _floats_ in the air. She doesn't see Taeyeon. Doesn't even acknowledge her. Taeyeon's eyes go round and dark, her mouth dropping open because there is just no way. 

It's just that her feet aren't touching the ground. Seriously. They aren't.

Jessica can't _actually_ fly. She tells herself again. She can't. But hovering six inches above the ground, for no reason, isn't exactly helping Taeyeon's case for sanity.

"Who _are_ you?"

She sort of blurts into her reaction, choking when Jessica's eyes open and a pretty blush forms against her cheeks.

Taeyeon finds herself swallowing. Then she looks down and Jessica's feet are on the ground.

"Hi," she says, amused. Jessica moves away from the mirror and cocks her head to the side. "You thought I was sleeping."

This feels like a secret. The nerves unravel in Taeyeon's throat. She feels a little off key as she sighs and nods, trying to play along because maybe, maybe her imagination is running away again.

"Yeah," she manages. "Sleeping."

Taeyeon doesn't get secrets, of course.

 

 

 

Tiffany calls it preferential treatment.

This is their second week in the dorm together and Jessica is an even greater mystery to the rest of them. 

"Honestly," she sighs, "I just don't get why she gets more outside time than we do, Taengoo."

Taeyeon sighs back. "We're not in prison."

"She's just so _secretive_ about it. It can't be a boyfriend. Sooyoungie says it's because she's seeing a therapist and is embarrassed."

"Leave it alone," she says gently, rolling her eyes. Taeyeon hates this: if you put a group of nine girls together, you're bound to have some kind of irritating conflict.

But she's curious, secretly as to why Jessica bounds off at odd points during the day, back in time for Japanese lessons, but out again at night. Especially at night. She's the most secretive out of all the girls too, the first to earn the most appropriate nickname; although, Ice Princess is seriously cruel and maybe only a little appropriate. There isn't anything to connect to with her. Which is unfair for Taeyeon to assume. Jessica just seems unreachable, on a completely different plane than the rest of them. It bothers her, more than she cares to admit.

It's just Sooyoung's fault, if anything, that this happens at all.

 

 

They follow her the next time.

"Why are you _here_ ," Tiffany hisses, glaring at her, then Sooyoung, who just shrugs. Jessica is already waiting outside, a few feet away from them, her hair spilling out of a hoodie and hunched over as she waits for a cab.

"Someone needs to make sure that you don't do anything stupid," she replies, dry. She doesn't mention the fact that they're hiding behind the building. Already acting like a leader. Without a debut yet anyway.

Sooyoung told her first. She's the roommate, she explained. And then there was something about Jessica mentioning that she was going out tonight and, you know, serial killers. Because that's something she's been obsessing over lately: serial killers and crime shows. ("I'm going to be an actress!" she declares, fist pumped in the air and Sunny, next to her, deadpans, "You need to learn how to lie better though...") Tiffany is more obvious, even overzealous about their adventure which, really, is the bigger problem and with the conflict between Sunny, Yuri, and Hyoyeon's temper this morning, Taeyeon really just wants to prevent the next world war in their practice room.

Then the cab comes, Jessica grabbing the door, and the three of them bound off, breathlessly behind her, grabbing the lucky cab that passes by. It's ridiculous: Tiffany ends up flushed in Sooyoung's lap, who accidentally punches Taeyeon in the hip and stomach while she's trying to desperately tell the driver that they're following the car in front of them instead of crying out in pain.

" _This is a terrible idea_ ," she wheezes. Then groans. Her head drops back on the seat, the leather sticking to the back of her neck.

"You didn't have to come." It's Tiffany's voice. Sooyoung's elbow moves into her face. "We just want to be -"

"She's going to be really upset when she finds out," Taeyeon murmurs, pushing Sooyoung's elbow away. She meets Tiffany's gaze and softens. "You could just ask her."

"I did," Tiffany insists and Taeyeon shoots her a dubious look. "I _did_ ," she says again, "but she said she had lessons and was totally ambiguous! She's pretty forward when she's doing something with Soojungie, but for some reason -"

"She's a serial killer," Sooyoung quips with a shrug.

Taeyeon sighs and shakes her head. "You two are the worst, you know," and that's all she says until the car slows down to a stop. She struggles to grab money from the pocket of her jeans, squirming under the weight of the two girls as they race to get out of the car.

The three of them burst through the cab, bewildered when they come to stand in front of a nondescript building. It's not exactly the safest part of this neighborhood; Tiffany and Sooyoung argue about the color of Jessica's sweatshirt (it was blue; she remembers) while Taeyeon looks around, trying to prep her _let's go home_ speech.

She grows more uncomfortable. Her eyes fall on a broken window, dusty and coated with some sort of dry, browning paint. What are you doing here, she thinks. Then she feels a little worried.

"I don't see her." Sooyoung stretches over the two of them, looking into the streets. "Seriously. She totally disappeared."

It's so bizarre, none of them say out loud. There's a boxing gym a few feet away, right next to a small market and a stationary store. There's an alleyway next to them, apartments peeking over a stone fence. It's too dark to see past the street lamps and Taeyeon jumps, alert when she hears glass breaking and then a low, pained moan.

"There's a food stand though," Tiffany says. Taeyeon blinks and realizes she hasn't been paying attention. Tiffany grins. "Let's go feed us then," she perks up, grabbing Sooyoung's hand, and then bounds off.

Taeyeon follows from behind, shoving her hands into her pockets. This is part of whatever's coming, she thinks. She's yet to wrap her head around the idea of being a leader, let alone having to be responsible for eight other people. Her brother teases her and tells her its character building; her anxiety feels differently, otherwise.

She's about to cross the street after the other two girls, when a hand wraps around her wrist and yanks her back onto the side, into another alley next to the gym. Her back slams against the wall; her wrist feels heavy, too painful to move and oh god oh god oh god, she thins, she's too small to push back.

"Please -"

A hand covers her mouth. She's too panicked, eyes wide. Her vision blurs and her heart is racing in her ears.

"Seriously?"

An angry Jessica stands in front of her, her hand steady over her mouth. Her palm is cool against her lip. It's her eyes though, the sharpness of her gaze literally _hurts_ and Taeyeon doesn't know what to do.

"Seriously," Jessica repeats. The grip she has around her wrist is borderline painful. "What are you doing here?"

Taeyeon coughs against her palm. Jessica brings her hand away. "I couldn't breathe -" and she doesn't know what she's saying because everything is spinning and what, she thinks, is happening. It's all sudden: her shoulder starts to hurt and she realizes that Jessica basically has her _pinned_ and shows no signs of letting her go.

But it is not as painful as the look that Jessica holds: she's raw, open, and the lack of trust is clear as day, maybe even more so that it has ever been. Tears are curling in the back of Taeyeon's throat, apology ready.

"Sorry," Jessica says finally. Her voice is dry. "I thought you were someone else." Her fingers start to loosen around Taeyeon's wrist. "But still - what are you doing here?"

"Following you," Taeyeon replies. She's quiet. "Sorry," she says weakly. "I didn't mean to... scare you."

Jessica laughs a little, her shoulders sinking. "I wasn't scared," she manages. It sounds like both a threat and promise. Her expression starts to change. "Sorry," she manages. "For, erm -"

"Are you taking lessons?" Taeyeon says weakly, forgiveness trying, as she rubs her wrist. She nods to the gym somewhere behind him.

Jessica's mouth quirks. "Yeah." She shrugs and turns, leaning against the wall next to her. "My dad signed me up," she says. "Said it would probably be best, given that I'm going to go into this entertainment thing."

She says it all so carefully, but the nuances of her voice are completely different to Taeyeon, up close and alone. She hears the pitch and the tone, the softness and shyness of confessing something that no one else knows.

"Why haven't you told anyone?"

Jessica shrugs again. "Yuri knows."

"Oh." Taeyeon blinks. Decides not to mention Tiffany or Sooyoung. "That makes sense," she says slowly.

"Expecting something else?" Jessica asks, laughing. The sound warms her. A flush catches Taeyeon's face and Jessica leans in, closer. Her hair brushes into her face. "Some deep dark secret that I've been hiding all this time?"

Taeyeon's lips part and oh god, she thinks, _oh god_ and it's mostly, actually, it's all because the color of Jessica's eyes is suddenly so bright and she can't really remember the last time she's actually paid attention to her mouth, how they swell and how soft they look. And maybe she shouldn't think about kissing her. At all. That's dangerous.

"- a secret identity then," Jessica's voice slips in. Taeyeon blinks and Jessica's pulling away, tucking her hair behind her ear. "You guys were expecting a secret identity."

"You knew," she says slowly. Then she's embarrassed, groan. "I'm so sorry."

Jessica laughs a little, nudging her with her shoulder. "You guys aren't exactly the most subtle," she answers and leaves it at that, laughing again.

Things aren't all forgiven, but Jessica just point out the fact that she has to get to her lesson, that she's late but she walks Taeyeon back over to the food stand, ignores the guilty twin expressions Tiffany and Sooyoung share. She says something about boxing, says something about maybe taking them all next time, if they want, and then tells them not to worry because her secret's out.

They don't wait for her. Sooyoung actually insists; the secret's not really a secret anymore. It's lost its luster. But on the bus back, Taeyeon is busy, lost in her head, thinking about secret identities and the strange, sudden color of Jessica's eyes, blue, green, or brown. She has to look their profiles to remember, but remembers where she's put that list. She likes to hold to things.

 

 

 

 

 

2\. run devil run

 

Someone says _this is a great outfit_ and next to her, Jessica wrinkles her nose and rolls her eyes. "Not really," she reasons. Her expression is serious. "The fabric's sort of flimsy. The heels aren't bad, but they're not practical and I personally wouldn't wear them -"

Taeyeon laughs, patting her arm. "You're crazy," she says gently. "You're not going out to go and fight crime."

"That you know," Jessica quips, winking and Taeyeon's belly does this thing where it flips and twists, her face sort of red as Jessica leans into her arm too.

They're joined by Yuri too, who's tugging at her hood, the part of the costume that they all seem to collectively hate. With a passion. She watches enviously as the two of them change out of their heels, reaching for boots and sneakers to go out for a coffee run.

"You look different." Yuri's eyes are on Jessica first. Ominous even," Yuri corrects cheerfully, crying out when Jessica hits her arm. Hard.

Taeyeon watches the exchange, amused.

"You look fine," she murmurs. They have an hour before they have to go back to their video shoot and Jessica's tucked her new hair underneath baseball cap that Taeyeon swears was hers last time she checked. She reaches over, pulling lightly at a few of the black strands in her hair. "You're appropriately thematic."

Jessica narrows her eyes. "Can't you just say I look pretty and leave it at that?"

"You look pretty," Taeyeon deadpans, and then ducks, laughing as Jessica reaches out to try and hit her too.

Yuri abandons them though for the back of the salon, for her separate appointment, reminding the two of them again that they've been charged with getting coffee for the rest of the girls. They head off: it's not a far walk to one of their favorite shops, Taeyeon trying to fill the conversation with something, anything; nervous silences with Jessica make her the most anxious.

Tiffany calls it the ten year crush, even though it hasn't been close to ten years and Jessica's radar of people has and continues to be the most elusive thing Taeyeon has ever seen. She can't help herself. Jessica knows that she's beautiful, by most standards. But she doesn't know that Taeyeon houses a laundry list of reasons in her head.

"You're thinking too hard."

Taeyeon blushes. "Sorry," and she half means it.

"Hopefully about me," Jessica teases, lacing their fingers together and tucking their hands into the crook of her arm. "And how I'm a superhero. An amazing one."

"You would be a superhero," she says, snorting. "Secret identity and all."

Jessica laughs. Her mouth curves into a lazy smile and she shrugs. "I don't know," she reasons. Then she teases: "Who says I don't have a secret identity already?"

"You're right." Taeyeon blinks and actually thinks about it. "If there was anyone to have one, it would be you."

Jessica wears this pretty smile, something that dives into honesty, a real strange and genuine honesty, that Taeyeon reads almost immediately. She can't help herself: she reaches out, brushes her thumb along her lip, stumbles into lying and says, "your lipstick is weird..." because that's the only thing she can bring herself to say.

"You did fight that monster in that CF we did," she says, swallowing. There's a red print on her thumb, sneaking into the ridges of her skin.

"True," Jessica shrugs, amused. "It was a giant octopus, right? I couldn't really tell with the green screen."

"You flew too," she points out. "And when you were a trainee," she says too, then gasps. Sort of. She doesn't know why she remembers that list all of the sudden. 

"I don't really now." Jessica's voice changes pitches again. She tries to sound amused. It sounds like a lie. Taeyeon blinks. "Fly," Jessica adds, her voice smoothing. "I can fight a giant octopus though. And probably the guy that steals your purse."

This conversation is ridiculous, but she finds herself going with it because it's Jessica and she likes talking to Jessica and if anything, it's probably the closest she'll get to confessing that she likes her, somewhere between a love song and listening. Or something like that.

They cut between two large, apartment buildings, the only pathway that opens into the small row of coffee shops and bakeries. It's Monday and dead and since it's closer to six, the street lamps are already starting to shadow spots into the walls.

Next to her, Jessica stiffens.

"Are you okay?" Taeyeon asks, immediately. She feels Jessica's fingers tense against the back of her hand. "We're almost there," she says.

"I know."

Jessica then stops, scratching the back of her leg. She gets an odd look and Taeyeon watches her look around.

"I'm going to run back to the ATM," she says, and Taeyeon starts to protest, holding up the company card. "No," Jessica insists. "It's my turn to treat everyone. Go on ahead. I'll be fast."

"I can walk with you," Taeyeon insists.

" _No_!" Jessica cries out, then claps a hand over her mouth. "Sorry," she says quickly. She pushes Taeyeon gently towards the end of the street. "Just go. I promise I'll run."

Taeyeon blinks, but shrugs it off to low blood sugar and the fact that Jessica didn't sleep last night. None of them do during a comeback anyway. "Just hurry," she adds, and then turns, trying not to feel hurt and weirded out because Jessica tends to be abrupt with almost everything.

She manages to reach the coffee shop alone. She remembers to add extra chocolate to Jessica's Americano. As a surprise, she tells herself, and then lists off the rest of the girls' drinks, forgetting that Jessica has the list of requests in her pockets. She doesn't have favorites either. She swears.

"You're losing it," she tells herself, really tells herself, and moves to the window.

It's a pretty day, she thinks absently. She keeps her gaze peeled at the window, watching the sky and the lights and wondering about the weather, in the morning, when they are more than likely allowed out of their video shoot, ready for home and back to sleep. She wonders about Jessica too. And tries not to get worried.

But it's only a few minutes, or rather fifteen, as she adds up in her head all the times that she counted and checked and told the barista to take her time too, even as she stopped and signed the occasional autographs for people. Jessica emerges from the alley way, hood up and not a moment later, her hair blowing up and around her shoulders. 

They call Jessica's drink out first when she steps into the coffee shop, tense smile. Taeyeon can't look away either. There is a bruise over Jessica's eye, swept under the dual colored bangs she has for the video later.

"Anything can be covered in make up," she says, under a radio report in the front of the cash register. Something about villains and robberies. Vigilantes, even. The cast of characters is rounded up with a Good Samaritan that no one sees. Taeyeon is too busy fretting, gripping Jessica's hand as she tries to look at the bruise.

Jessica says she's fine. Taeyeon knows it's a lie and tries not to think about it.

 

 

 

 

 

3\. what the television adds

 

Taeyeon buys wine. 

_You need to make an effort_ , Tiffany scolds. Because she's already been to Jessica's new apartment. She watched the episode twice because she's right. Taeyeon should make the effort.

But with the week that she's had, where everything feels like it's been too late, that it _is_ too late, and all she finds herself doing is obsessing; obsessively thinking about Jessica, about how she feels far away, about how she should try and figure out how to invite herself over without really inviting herself over since things between the two of them have been getting weird and everyone knows.

Their text exchange goes like this: _can i come visit_ is finished by _i'm going overseas_ which is then rounded out by Taeyeon going out and buying wine and popcorn because that is all she can think to do. She turns on the television to watch another rerun of _Jessica & Krystal_, marveling at how both Jung sisters look ageless on the screen.

"Thank god you never had a costume."

Krystal's voice is coming off screen. Jessica walks into the bedroom, laughing and dropping into her bed.

"I'm an idol," Jessica snorts,rolling onto a pillow. Her legs are long and draped the edge of the bed. "Of course I have costumes. With glitter."

"You know what I mean," Krystal insists and it's such a bizarre thing to say that Taeyeon reaches for her phone, texts Jessica _have I missed anything ep 3_ , leaving for her kitchen to make some tea. She can't drink alone and be trusted with her phone.

It takes ten minutes. But Jessica calls back.

Taeyeon answers on the second ring.

"You're not missing anything," she insists, and the sounds of the airport greet Taeyeon too. Jessica is on her international schedule, she remembers again. It seems sudden. She feels out of touch; they haven't really seen enough of each other these last couple of months.

"I mean," Taeyeon points out. "You're talking about costumes. Is this the secret identity thing we've always talked about?"

Jessica laughs. "Yah. Kim Taeyeon. You can't tell the world that I'm Batman just yet."

"Damn it." Taeyeon smiles to herself. "I was hoping to start a retirement fund too with that scandal too."

"Can't do that either," Jessica says and she can hear the smirk in her voice. "I promised that you'd be a kept woman at some point."

Taeyeon laughs. She can't remember the last time she laughed with Jessica like this. They're older. They're busier. But it also feels like things are changing a bit too; Taeyeon keeps writing about loss, in a lot of songs that she's filed away, one page after another. It feels a little sharp. A lot scarier than she wants it to be. She just can't admit to it either.

She listens to the airport on the other line too, just as it starts to write itself into the background. She's going to Hong Kong, she reminds herself. There's a prototype pair of sunglasses sitting on the dresser in her bedroom.

"All talk, Jessica Jung."

"So are you, Kim Taeyeon." There's a pause. "We have to stop doing this weird thing where I only see you at fan meets," she says gently and Taeyeon feels a little guilty and a little overwhelmed because now, somehow, the words are right there.

The kettle on the stove starts screeching. There's a notebook on the small table by the window too.

"I miss you too," Taeyeon confesses. Sort of. She isn't sure. It just feels like a confession. She feels awkward enough though that when Jessica laughs, she can hear the wince in the sound.

It's like coming face to face with the world's longest crush though, and not really a crush, but a person where she cannot think of herself without, even though she can go and say that about the other girls too.

Jessica's just been different, has always been different for the longest time. She's always made Taeyeon the angriest, pulled and curled at heartstrings, and reached into places that Taeyeon doesn't really understand how to face. But this is a girl that has secrets too and older now, Taeyeon wonders what's hiding behind that stupid list and things like _i can fly_

"Wear the sunglasses I gave you." Jessica's gentle. Her voice is warm. "Please?"

"Only if you tell me if you can really fly," she replies, digging her heels in when Jessica laughs, really laughs, and sounds both honest and surprised.

All Taeyeon gets is an odd response. "I already did," Jessica says.

 

 

 

 

 

4\. i won't be back again

 

Manager Oppa finds the old list in one of her lyric notebooks, when it falls in the car on their way back to the dorm from Taeyeon's schedule.

"She can definitely fly," he says, doesn't mean to, but Taeyeon jerks her head over so fast, wide-eyed and nearly angry. The older man swallows, shrugging. "You dropped this," he reiterates.

Taeyeon takes the piece of paper, yellowed at the edges and that stupid, weird little smear. A fingerprint that is totally outside of the picture opened on her phone, of Jessica running out of the company building, hidden in sunglasses and only halfway covered by the news that breaks.

"Thanks," is all that Taeyeon says. Manages.

She can't laugh anymore at the _i can fly_ because it feels dull and numb and a stranger, only a reminder that she totally and completely failed at a lot of things. Her mind spins with fans and the other girls, especially the other girls, all the while trying to fit Jessica back in because none of this makes sense to her at all.

Taeyeon opens the page again. The person that wrote this has handwriting like Jessica. Seems like Jessica. But looks like a stranger every time she goes and tries to remember her face.

_4\. I'm terrible with secrets_

It's more than just painful, she thinks.

 

 

 

The worst part about all of this is that it feels like a change, not like breaking up, even though all the girls go to their separate places of comfort, friends and family and apartments, because it's the only thing they all can think of doing, even as adults.

Taeyeon stays at the dorm though. Is okay with being the only one. Her parents have disappeared on a honeymoon trip, her siblings busy with their own lives; she would put any of this on them anyway. She does find a bottle of wine, brings it to the bedroom that Sooyoung used to share with Jessica, that's now some sort of vocal practice room for them, and sits by the window, opening the bottle of wine.

She leaves four voicemails.

 

 

 

"I don't know what to say to you. I feel - no, I _know_ that this is my fault. That I could have done anything to stop you. That I should have probably encouraged you instead of making you choose... then maybe, maybe this might have felt different. Maybe things wouldn't have ended so badly. But -" she pauses, taking a long swing of the bottle of wine. "But," she swallows, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. " _But_ I just don't know what to say. You got angry and I got angry and we were in a room with a thousand lawyers, company representatives and I didn't know what to do!" Taeyeon pauses, closing her eyes. She repeats it, sighing. "I didn't know what to do."

 

 

 

"I think, no, whoa, I'm _going_ to get drunk. I should have put that on that list, you know. Even though you all know I can't handle my alcohol, but I drink anyway and what the hell would I know - wait, that doesn't make sense. I can't predict my own state of drunken -" she waves her hands around, dropping the phone and then scrambling to hit speaker instead, "sorry," she apologizes, "I'm drunk and this is stupid. I should have put it on my list. Then it would be weird and ridiculous like your whole 'I can fly' thing because that's not true and although... wait. I swore, and this is, like a true story - I swore I saw you fly once. And then for awhile, I thought you fought crime." She rubs her eyes. "You must think I'm crazy," she says quietly.

 

 

 

Her voice breaks. "Am I that _hard_ to talk to?" Her eyes water and burn. It's almost painful, maybe deserved. "If you weren't happy, maybe you could have told me, maybe I should have picked up. Tiffany says that you thought I was mad at you. I wasn't. I just... you know that I have the worst attention span ever. And there are nine of you." Her voice is small. "There was nine of you." She rubs her eyes angrily, curling her legs closer. The wine is now less than halfway. She should have water. "No one knows what to do because I don't know what to do and all I can think about is you... just you. And that makes me the worst person ever. Because that's all I want to think about." There's a crack in her voice, a really small one, and she's just so glad none of her family is home to see her like this. No one should. "You know," she says, breathes and trembles a little. Her mouth tastes sharp. She looks down at the wine. It's red; she hates red. "I keep thinking about when we were kids and I was totally convinced, like _seriously_ convinced, that you were like a spy. Or a serial killer. Or a superhero. The serial killer was Sooyoung. She hates you right now, you know. I don't want her to. I don't want any of them to hate you because then -" she stops, falters, and sighs, her voice muffled: "There was a time I thought you could fly. I would have believed you if you had told me."

 

 

 

The bottle is empty.

 

 

 

"You can't fly," she says, "right?" then she pauses, sliding into bed, "I would hope that you would at least tell me that. I'd make a great Lois Lane, you know."

 

 

 

In the morning, there is a text:

_take two advils_

And maybe she never really knew her at all.

 

 

 

 

 

5\. secret identities

 

Jessica shows up. Just shows up. No questions, fist clutching her jacket as her finger presses the buzzer to her apartment again. She's _here_.

Oh god.

Taeyeon is watching this all as it has happens, through the hi-tech security system her brother insisted she buy. _If you're not going to live at the dorm anymore_. The neighborhood is safe. But she hasn't lived alone. Ever.

"Yah." Jessica says in the screen. Her eyes are narrowed and she's talking into the screen. "I know you're home. Could you please let me in? I promise I'll be quick."

And the only thing Taeyeon think of, other than the fact that _she is here_ , is that Jessica would never come to her first. It would be Yuri and Tiffany, then maybe Sunny, and third or fourth down the line, it might be her, but considering how things ended, she can't bring herself to believe it.

Her feelings are a mess though and Jessica's figure is blurred and distorted, as if she is there, but not there, and Taeyeon's feelings are starting to panic and surface. Finally, swallowing, she reaches for her corresponding button and lets her in.

It's ten minutes from the front of the building to the elevator, three and half from the elevator to her door, and when Taeyeon opens her door, forcing herself to breathe, Jessica is standing outside, wet and shivering. She's stunned; her face is pink, flushed, and she's breathing funny, a bruise forming around her mouth and eye and she feels herself reaching her, but panicking in slow motion.

"What _happened_."

Her voice is low, her hands fisting in Jessica's jacket as she pulls her in. They trip over each other, Jessica kicking her boots off.

"I got mugged," she says dryly. Taeyeon grabs her hand and her knuckles are torn. "I think?" Jessica laughs and the sound trembles. "I didn't even know I was in this neighborhood..."

Taeyeon curses under her breath and she's pulling Jessica inside, trying to remember where she put the first aid kit. Oh god. _Oh god_. She pulls her to the kitchen, then takes a sharp turn to the living room, and stumbles, grabbing Jessica into the couch.

"You didn't _get_ mugged," she says. Blurts. "You would be at the police, freaking out and filing reports -"

"Eh." Jessica's eyes are dark. Her mouth curls and coos into a sigh. "The police station makes me a little uncomfortable."

"Who should I call?" Taeyeon is talking too fast, almost too herself, her hands moving against Jessica's face. Her fingers are in her hair, along her mouth and her throat, trying to reassure herself, _selfishly_ reassuring herself, and dragging herself closer until she decides screw it, kneeling between Jessica's legs.

"I'm fine. I just needed to sit down."

" _You're not okay_ ," Taeyeon explodes and her fingers pull at her hair. Her eyes are wide and brimming with exhaustion and hysteria. "Are you in trouble? Is this why -"

She's cut off before she can go any further, Jessica's mouth covering hers, kissing her, really kissing her, and it's like all of the pent-up energy, the years of confusion and feelings, actual feelings, burst to the surface and kisses her back.

It's everything and nothing, every fantasy that she's kept to herself about kissing Jessica, about wanting Jessica, about trying to forget Jessica because that's all she's ever thought about - every word, every love song, every obsession. So she kisses her back: her mouth bites at her lip, there's a hisses and it's low, but Taeyeon presses closer, kneeling harder into Jessica, sliding her tongue into her mouth and lapping away, tasting her, trying to incite, plead, and steal a reaction back from her. Trying to make her feel her too. Jessica's mouth is slick and lazy, letting Taeyeon take the moment, steal it even. It feels like something she can hold onto.

Taeyeon's changed.

 

 

 

They sit in the kitchen. There are boxes on top of the counters still.

"I can only make tea," Taeyeon says helplessly, touching her mouth again, her knees pressing against her leg.

"Not right now," Jessica says tiredly, and drops her head back against one of the doors. She smiles a little, then reaches for Taeyeon's hand. "I just need to sit."

So they sit. Tayeon's fingers curl into Jessica's palm. She sits there, her eyes closing slowly.

"I'm a terrible liar."

Taeyeon pauses, then looks at Jessica.

"What?"

"I'm a terrible liar," she repeats. The expression she wears is nothing that Taeyeon has ever seen before. Jessica bites her lip. "So even if I had a secret identity, it wouldn't be a very good one." Her mouth curls and she laughs again. She turns her head, grinning at Taeyeon. "I would just hide in plain sight."

Taeyeon doesn't know how to respond.

It's like the biggest admission, or the smallest, depending how you look at it. But Jessica holds her gaze, doesn't offer anything beyond what happened earlier: _I was mugged_ ; _no I don't want to go to the cops_. Taeyeon doesn't think she'll ever tell her.

But things come together, however small, and something hits her, sharp and painful and blistering, even, because it's just the small swipe of Jessica's hand against hers, the heel of her palm burning a little as she reaches for her, touching the side of her face again. As if to make sure that this is all real.

It feels like another secret. Just hers, if anything but. Theirs.

"You can stay here," she offers. Taeyeon shrugs, shy. "You don't have to go anywhere."

Jessica's gaze is unreadable. But she does smile.

"For a little while," she says.

 

 

 

(There is a news report in the morning. Vigilantes again. Something about flying too. Jessica is long gone; her coffee is made and there is note attached to it that says _thanks_ and _you should call me_. It feels a little dangerous, after all.)

 

 

 

 

 

+1. i cannot tell a lie

 

"I have a theory."

Taeyeon corners her in Beijing. They are staying in the same hotel. Jessica thinks a lot about kissing her again; she has a schedule though.

"You do," she still says, dryly, neither question nor statement. She's settled on a mat in the corner of the hotel gym, wrapping her hands before she occupies the punching bag that she requested when she made her reservation.

"I do," Taeyeon repeats.

They have been doing this for two years now, avoiding _and_ taking advantage of the new space they have with no longer being group members. Jessica will neither confirm nor deny anything. She's always kind of lived with herself as it comes. It's not her fault some guys just run into her fists. Or that she can put a guy two stories up, hang him by his suspenders from a window - all because he tried to touch her ass.

Jessica nods towards the punching bag. "I'll listen," she says and it's funny, she thinks, but they are going to have to talk about the times they've made out. Four, exactly. Their magic number. "But make yourself useful," she finishes, and shakes her head.

Taeyeon is tiny and it's almost cute, her trying to hold onto the bag. And it almost makes Jessica want to make out with her again. Except she has a lot of pent up energy from today's meetings, actual business and otherwise, and if she doesn't hit something, she is going to sleep with Taeyeon. And there is no way they'll be able to avoid that. It's a promise.

"Make sure you keep your balance," she tells her, and without warning, launches a fist into the punching bag. There's a sound and something snaps, Taeyeon's eyes wide. There might be a dent int.

"You're totally a superhero."

Taeyeon says it, awed. Jessica laughs. She's bright and amused, stepping back.

"Can't be a superhero," Jessica replies, "when there's no one to save. And your theory stinks."

Taeyeon snorts. "I can count the times you've shown up on my doorstep, or when we were trainees where you were mysteriously hurt -"

Jessica winces. Right.

She gears up for another round instead, landing a few punches on the punching bag. She shifts her weight on her feet, spins and then slams her foot in a roundhouse kick against the bag too. She breathes and sighs.

"I'm not a superhero," she repeats. She rubs her arms. Petty crimes, she thinks. When she was kid, she _almost_ got into it with a gang. But that was stupid. "I just..." she draws back, sighing. A number of memories go through her head and Taeyeon is right, she thinks. She's almost been there for all of them. "I can't walk away from helping people," she manages.

Taeyeon eyes her. "So you're a superhero."

Jessica groans.

"No," she says.

"But you help people. And you fly."

Jessica laughs and remembers the note, that stupid Q&A name those _facts_ things that they had to do when they were trainees. The best idea is the worst idea and that is hiding in plain sight; she's always been that honest anyway.

"You're crazy," she says instead, and her steps start to lighten, float even. Her mouth curls and Taeyeon stares at her. "Being in the entertainment industry is a terrible secret identity anyway."

They share a look. Taeyeon's expression changes, the comment hitting her.

"Or the best," she quips, grabbing a laugh from Jessica as she steadies on the ground again.

She lands a combo on the bag again, moving through her anxieties and the sudden, inherent need to move to Taeyeon, to tell her the truth even though the truth is a long ways from her head. And has landed her with a therapist several times.

A long story: there was an accident when she was a kid, the real reason why she moved from the States to Korean when she was a kid, an easier reason for her and her parents and her sister to start all over again.

An even longer story: super strength, yeah, sure, okay; flying? Not so much. More like a weird combination between super speed and super strength and super agility. It's a story for another time, a secret she's not entirely ready to give up for fear of someone she loves (or makes out with, um) getting hurt. Soojungie tells her anyway, all the time actually, that she'd be the worst superhero, like, ever because of her inability to be patient with anyone. She's probably right.

"Sometimes," she admits, "I do like to help people."

Taeyeon nods after awhile, somewhat satisfied, wrapping her arms around the punching bag. It's ridiculous and cute.

"Good answer," she says.

Jessica kisses her then, swallowing the surprised laugh from Taeyeon's mouth, holding both her and the punching bag in place. It makes the most sense.


End file.
